Defrauded by Jelly Beans

Ah yes. Easter...the time when most of commercialized society's fancy turns to wonderful candy goodness.

And of course, what Easter table would be complete without that lovely bowl of colourful Jelly Beans? The big kind. The fluorescent kind.

I personally, rather look down on this family of jelly beans for three reasons:
1) White
2) Pink
3) Purple

You must understand that my entire doctrine of candy-ology relies on the concept that brightly coloured candy is to be at least vaguely fruit-flavoured.


White. Well... the only fruit I can think of that is white is Coconut. Ergo...white jelly beans should be coconut. Not so. Generally they are the deep, bold and complex flavour of...Sweet. Maybe occasionally "The White Candy" merits a "mystery" flavour...but that is really just a poorly-hidden attempt to cover up a miscalculation in ordering flavours.

Pink. I have no idea what fruit is supposed to be represented by this neon flashing shade of Rosado. Definitely not grapefruit which is the the closest contender for "pinkness" as far as fruit goes. Occasionally, Pink will be masquerading as "strawberry whose accuracy of flavour interpretation is poor." Generally, Pink is indicative of "Headache-Inducing Saccharine Sweetness Followed by Mysteriously Bitter Aftertaste."

Which brings me to my all-time enemy:
PURPLE! I *think* it is supposed to be grape. But after many traumatizing instances in my childhood of having to consume Grape-Flavoured Tylenol, my body has developed an aversion to anything and everything grape (with the exception of the real thing). Why can they never get the flavour of an actual grape right? Instead it is: "Headache-Inducing Purple-y Bitterness Followed by a Mysteriously Sweet Aftertaste."

With this in mind, let us approach the Jelly Bean Bowl.
Yesterday, I noticed that the shrine of Jelly Bean Goodness had been relatively untouched.

Although I noted that my three colourful enemies had infiltrated the generally innocuous cell of red, green, yellow, and orange...I decided that it was time for a "Vaguely Lime-ish Sweet Thing."

I gracefully plucked a green jelly bean from the bowl and popped it into my mouth.
Time actually stopped. I sprung into the air, spun around, and shot an accusatory glare at the Jelly Bean Bowl. Feelings of betrayal and abject despair filled my soul.

The Jelly Bean was mint. I kid you not.

Now, keep in mind that expecting one flavour and getting another never amounts to a combination of the two flavours. Otherwise...the Jelly Bean might've been okay. Mint and Lime, I've heard, generally compliment each other well (although I understand that usually a lot of alcohol is involved in the concoction...so that might alter reality a bit).

Well the flavours didn't mix. It tasted like a vile lime-ish sweet thing.

I stared at the bowl in horror, panting.

"It must've been a fluke," I thought, timidly reaching for another bean of different flavour.

Wrong again.

I then proceeded to test each and every colour of Jelly Bean present (including *shudder* white, pink, and purple). All of the flavours were wrong. No fruit whatsoever. It was like someone emptied their spice cabinet into the Jelly Bean Bowl!

Here is a quick listing of the suspects and their new cover flavours:
Green.
Should be: Lime.
Is: Spearmint.
Yellow.
Should be: Lemon
Is: Clove
Purple.
Should be: Disgusting Grape
Is: Toothpaste
Pink.
Should be: Pink?
Is: Peppermint...and strong, too.
White.
Should be: Sweet
Is: Either Anise Seed or Root Beer Mint...can't decide
Orange.
Should be: Orange...fruit
Is: Cinnamon
Red.
Should be: Cherry(?)
Is: Black Licorice

The audacity of this crime is unspeakable. Although I don't really mind the Clove, Spearmint, Cinnamon, or Peppermint. But...I must admit, I do feel defrauded.

I shall now be a devoted follower of Jelly Belly for the rest of my life. There is no other jelly bean I can trust.

Gosh, what days are these where we can't even trust CANDY anymore?